I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
You Might Also Like
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once