I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.