Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
We need to put an American base on the sun
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
PLEASE READ
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
#oldknees
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.