@ninjadinosaur1: 'I am your God, and now it is night!' I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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@BrettDruck: I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn't Tobey Maguire
@PorkUrPine: WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that ME: I'd love to but I don't know her well enough
@AnkCoupleTO: I tattooed the word "WINNER" on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
@PanicRestroom: Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: "Who's that next to you?"