‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
You Might Also Like
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Vodka burrito was a success
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.