@ninjadinosaur1: 'I am your God, and now it is night!' I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at the pearly gates] I said, "send me a selfie." Then she said, "too ugly today." So I said, "never stopped you before" ...& here I am.
@randomlawless: Men don't ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they'll remember "breast, thighs, moist & hot"
@TheRolo: [Text convo] Her: Can I come over right now? Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
@bergified: Send me your home address and I'll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.