I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Admin smashed it 😂
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”