I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Truth
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
🤣🤣🤣
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I’m literally crying
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’