My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.