I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
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If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I’m sorry…what?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number