I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
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people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
THIS HEADLINE
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Thank you corporation very cool
The only equipped I am is ill.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!