I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
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Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.