I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
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A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
God has left this place
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Sand doesn鈥檛 even taste bad it鈥檚 just the texture
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don鈥檛 know if these two facts are related.
Don鈥檛 post your New Year鈥檚 resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you鈥檙e elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don鈥檛 need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Date: I鈥檓 totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That鈥檚 a relief. I鈥檝e been sucking in since I picked you up.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.