The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.