I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
This kinda thing happens to me often
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.