i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.