I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes