I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
started wrapping my pills in cheese
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Bed should get ready for ME
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught