[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
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Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Worth the read.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one