Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread