@GingaSnapppa: I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it's not, it's Jennitalia.
@AristotlesNZ: A guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.
@briancthayer: *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.
@JermHimselfish: I don't understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.