@GingaSnapppa: I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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@internetluke: [restaurant] *motions for waiter* Waiter! Bill please! *Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests* Thanks Bill!
@PaigeKellerman: Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
@marinarachael: I don't know why we have three different pig emojis but it's great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching: 🐖 🐷 🐽
@MatCro: [emergency] [super hero appears] GUY: It's Doesn't-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you! HERO: I...I don't know