I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
They’re not wrong
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??