I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
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Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.