I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
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Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.