I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
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You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
what’s more important?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now