I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS