I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
These aliens are taking forever.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.