I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.