I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*