I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
You Might Also Like
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Cause of death: Zumba
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”