I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.