@RobDenBleyker: I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man's best friendzone.
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@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
@SoVeryBritish: How to answer the door: 1. See person has arrived 2. Wait for doorbell 3. Count to five 4. Open and act surprised
@TheRolo: 911: What is your emergency? Me: I love you. 911: Hang up. Me: No you hang up. 911: Stop. Me: This is so us.
@okimstillhungry: Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.