I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
How is it still this week?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs