I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers