i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
You Might Also Like
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise