@illTortuga: I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
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@TheToddWilliams: THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
@robyn_vo: I can't believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
@TheThomason: Finally got the "Josh Duggar is good" neck tattoo I've wanted for years, now let me just read today's news as I take a large sip of water...
@turtledumplin: Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say... "I made coffee"