@illTortuga: I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
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@ibid78: [therapist] what seems to be the problem? [her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It's awful [me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle
@Xoolun: Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I'm now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
@BillFienberg: Dad: What do you want for your birthday? Me: I want a gf thats not crazy. Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
@thinkcomedy: A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby