@illTortuga: I asked my Ouija board when I was going to get a girlfriend and it spelled out HAHAHAHAHA until it caught fire.
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@lifecoachfit: The most stable relationship I've had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we've been dating for the past year.
@spodermenpls: if ur sad abowt not havin an valentien on valentienz day remembr dat sum ppl do’nt hav an patrik on st patriks day
@Amazon_Blonde: No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER. Family: uh...this is an Intervention Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she's crying
@kevinrowe1: Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds...