This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[eulogy]
line?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”