@ItsAndyRyan: I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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@bees_wingz: I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
@TommyKarate: Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.
@BoozeWallet: [walking through park with date] Did u know there's more vitamin C in pine needles than in an orange [blood is just pouring from my mouth]
@bobsin: Manslaughter: I always used to read it as 'man's laughter'. Seems oddly appropriate for someone who's got away with murder...