@tartadepollo: I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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@TheBoydP: Interviewer: Any questions? Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
@StevioSquared: Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I'm watching Titanic, it's me playing him.
@Phook75: FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying "fortnight" they have to become your butler.
@AKcrazy18: When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.