@tartadepollo: I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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@GrowlyGrego: Guns don't kill people. Cats don't sew mittens. Houses don't crap zebras. Lots of nouns don't verb other nouns. This isn't new information.
@Maui_Speaks: Every day the cat climbs a six-foot glass-block wall and watches my wife shower. She thinks it's cute. I do it once and I'm creepy.
@KentWGraham: Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
@LeBearGirdle: *Giving TED talk* Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair! *he does and a mousetrap snaps* Me: trust no one *audience claps*