I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Catercrombie & Fish
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.