I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
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my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I鈥檒l have two then please.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what鈥檚 it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Can鈥檛 believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 馃槀
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can鈥檛 live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.