I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
kitchen magnet
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”