I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I’m aging like a fine banana
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.