Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
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Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
#SuperBowl
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.