I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music