@TheCiscoKidder: I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from "Married" to "It's Complicated."
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@Cheeseboy22: The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
@danagould: I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind. Then we switched.
@Bwomono: My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED Me:I love you Mom: NOTED Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband Mom: NOTED
@hippieswordfish: *emerges from a large magic lamp,* it's me the Reasonable genie, please only wish for things like 'drive me to the airport'