@TheCiscoKidder: I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from "Married" to "It's Complicated."
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@tamytoo2: Actual text from 17 y/o son: kin u com bi nd swoop me? I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan
@AristotlesNZ: If the fate of the world ever depended on me opening a new plastic grocery or produce bag in under a minute, we'd all be dead.