Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m going to need a moment here.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.