I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
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Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Siri, fight Alexa.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.