@kylekinane: I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I'm saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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@KevinFarzad: Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
@mrjohndarby: *releases swarm of killer wasps* - ATTACK! *wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions* - Hmm... time for plan bee
@BuckyIsotope: UBER DRIVER: Where to ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body SIRI: The bog ME: nearest bog please
@215potter: My neighbor's facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.