@kylekinane: I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I'm saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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@mjkspeaks: Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said "I love you." He didn't even die. Killing people with kindness is hard.
@MartaEffing: I joked at school drop off that the white stuff on my kid was powdered sugar, not cocaine, but I took it too far by rubbing some on my gums.
@ilovepie84: After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
@gobmentcheese: I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.