I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
marvel comics have peaked
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours