Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.