I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
This is a true ally.