@AnOrangeSNES: I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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@badbanana: Yeah, well, I didn't exactly want to be late for work today either but it's not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
@Macar00ny: Give a man a subtweet and he'll be like "is this about me?" Teach a man to subtweet you'll be like "is that about me?"
@NikkiGlaser: I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
@SteveSuckington: [Shopping with teen son] *sees hot girl* *waits until she gets close* *grabs box of adult diapers* "How are you doing on Depends bud?"