I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.