I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Chicago sounds lovely.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.