I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
You Might Also Like
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Simple
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.