I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Bruh PLEASE
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”