I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
oh you wanna fight?!
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
real
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.