“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
You Might Also Like
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Shortcut
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
*jazz hands*
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.